I found all my old mail... jeez!
here's a funny one:
==
Q: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication.
In fact, we do not even have a chicken.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this
chicken's
capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the
other side of the road.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image
of the chicken crossing the road.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or
not.
The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle
ground.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
JOHN HOWARD
I agree with George and Tony.
KIM BEAZLEY
There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage,
but if I were crossing the road ....
SIMON CREAN
@#@#!!@ Chicken. No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my
@#@#!!@
say so. It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.
PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General)
I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the
road. In
fact I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the
chicken asked for it
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to
the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
felt accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads.
You may say I'm a dreamer - but its not the only hen.
MICHAEL JACKSON
There's nothing more wonderful than sharing your bed with a
chicken.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
ARSENE WENGER
What chicken? I did not see it.
ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly,
and Beckham is not bigger than this club.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay
eggs,
file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and
internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not have sexual relations with that chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there
was
much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
==
==
ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND:
The following announcements were all heard and reported by visitors to the
"Going Underground" website.
Heard at Earl's Court:
"The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond.
The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but
to
Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what
the signalmen think.
On the Northern Line:
"Beggars are operating on this train; please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line:
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green light):
"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains
ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want
to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"
On the Central Line:
"Next time, Sir, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open
before trying to get on the train"
At King's Cross:
"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"
On the Victoria Line:
"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a
good deodorant!"
"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday morning!"
At Camden Town Station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
'Please let the passengers off the train first....
Please let the passengers off the train first....
Please let the passengers off the train first....
Let the passengers off the train FIRST!
Oh go on then - stuff yourselves in like sardines; see if I care - I'm
going
home.'
At West Hampstead:
"We can't move off because some c**t has their f**king hand stuck in the
door'
At Mill Hill East:
"Hello this is (xxx) speaking. I am the captain of your train, and we will
be departing shortly. We will be cruising at an altitude of approximately
zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm local time.
The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden
is
in the same time zone as Mill Hill East, so there's no need to adjust your
watches."
On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a colleague
unaware that he'd left the Tannoy on):
"B******s to the lot of them. I don't care if they don't make it to work."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right dis way for de sauna, ladies an
gennelmun.... Unfortunately, towels are not provided."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria Station, and we are stuck here for the foreseeable
future,
so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together
now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'"
"Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your
rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal,
fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport
and not a wheelie bin."
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen; this is due to a krusty masturbating on the train at Edgware
Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
train.
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?"
"The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent
me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card."
"The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford
and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination for
a
good ninety minutes yet. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse
back up the line - simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to
where
we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man
in front or beside you or opposite you."
"Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you
know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close... The doors open.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand
clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the westbound
platform and go in the opposite direction. Please allow the doors to close.
Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are
distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it is
only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
"Apparently this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact
terminating here. I'm sorry about this, but I too was under the impression
that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean,
why tell me? I'm merely the driver...."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street: As you can see, Baker Street
is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could
tell you earlier but no, they don't think about things like that."
==
